Unfinished Business
“I knew I had left home, but home had not left me.” This is a statement made in reference to the many men and women who are tormented by the trauma of a dysfunctional childhood. Until fifty years ago, very little attention was given to the family member that grew up within a home struggling with drugs, alcohol, and now the opioid epidemic. This article, and the next, will briefly attempt to focus on the lingering residue of this unfinished business in an adult’s life.
How much of an impact does a parent have on the adult later in his or her life? Is it possible, despite the fact that we are physically grown, that we are stunted emotionally and spiritually? In 1963, Hugh Missildine had this to say about this matter: “The uncomforted inner child of our past continues to exist in us as adults. There is an emotional residue in our memory or subconscious that was created in response to past events. We still feel the reactions even though the events produced them are gone.”
Does the Bible speak clearly on the issues of learned behavior, co-dependency, negative and positive reinforcement?
Duane Otto
Missildine made this observation in his book Your Inner Child Of The Past. Using many case studies to prove his point, he showed that the temperament of an adult is often the remnants from the child they once were. The temperament in other words is intertwined with the emotions and character of an individual early in life. Thus a child from an alcoholic family, for example, will be influenced by the dependent parent and will be taught a behavior called “learned helplessness.” Day-by-day as the child develops, he or she will be made dependent on someone or something beyond himself or herself.
The word “dependent” in the context of the dysfunctional home refers to the addictive personality. This dependent behavior is most common in the home of an addict but also resides in the workaholic home, sexually abusive home, perfectionist home, and the gambling home. A list of common traits for the child experiencing these various kinds of home environments may include poor self-image, high frustration, poor concentration, depression, or hyperactivity. Each will serve to distract the development of the child’s identity. Missildine’s research supplies the evidence that supports the idea that these traits, if unchecked, will carry on into the adult life. Anger, hurt, humiliation, shame, guilt, shyness, distrust, depression, and many other intimacy traits are common signs of the lingering residue of the unfinished business. These past patterns will obstruct the growth and maturity of the adult identity.
Is all this biblically supported? Much is said and written from the observations of the therapeutic world but little worth can be placed on it if it contradicts the Word of God. Therefore, does the Bible speak clearly on the issues of learned behavior, co-dependency, negative and positive reinforcement? And if so, what is the path forward for those dealing with the ramifications of a dysfunctional home?
I believe it does. For instance, Proverbs 22:6 wisely instructs parents to “train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” And Jeremiah teaches: “Then I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear Me forever, for the good of them and their children after them” (32:28). There are many more places we could turn to see that the parental impact upon children was recognized in ancient times way before any science report on human development was published. That being so, in my next Pastor’s Trellis article I’ll attempt to explain the biblical path for healing and transformation.