Tag: learned helplessness

Unfinished Business Part 2

I knew I had left home, but home had not left me. This is a statement made in Unfinished Business Part 1 in reference to the many men and women who are tormented by the trauma of a dysfunctional childhood. Until fifty or sixty years ago, very little attention was given to the family member that grew up within a home struggling with drugs, alcohol, and now the opioid epidemic. Today, the research shows that despite being physically grown, the uncomforted inner child of our past continues to exist in us as adults. There is, in the words of Hugh Missildine, an “emotional residue in our memory or subconscious that was created in response to past events. We still feel the reactions even though the events produced them are gone.” 

Perhaps you or someone you love is struggling with this kind of unfinished business. Past addictive patterns in the home, and the “learned helplessness” they create, are obstructing the kind of growth and maturity the Scriptures promise through the inner working of the Holy Spirit. This month I’d like to introduce you to the biblical path for healing and transformation. I’m not going to use a lot of theological terminology. I’ll save that for another forum. I simply want to point you in the right direction and get your feet on the path. 

“At a very young age we are forming core beliefs about ourselves. We learn from our home-life which emotions, wants, desires, and longings are acceptable and which ones are off-limits.”

Rev. Duane Otto

To begin with, it’s important to understand that you are made in the image of God. This is why you have such a deep longing for intimacy. God made you to know and to be known. That’s His nature, too. So it’s important to know that when you came into this world as a child, you were born with two relational needs etched deep within your soul. And here’s the thing, they are expressed in question form. The answers are not “hardwired” in, so to speak. The conclusions are drawn from our childhood experiences. The two crucial questions are: Am I worthy of love? And are others capable of loving me? 

Let me give a quick example. Let’s say you are seven years old and you come home from school and ask your mom for a new pair of sneakers. For most of us, asking for something requires vulnerability. You are giving your mother power. She can ignore you, hurt you, make light of you, refuse you, or help you. Asking is at the heart of being known and knowing. Apply this to your own childhood. When you asked for something did you feel love or neglected? Did you live in the context of scarcity or fear? Did it have to be on sale? Were you made to feel selfish or ungrateful or irresponsible or unwanted? At a very young age we are forming core beliefs about ourselves. We learn from our home-life which emotions, wants, desires, and longings are acceptable and which ones are off-limits. And these assumptions form powerful patterns that determine in adulthood how we respond to our own emotions and others, and how we ultimately relate to God. 

This is why we all struggle as adults with intimacy. The sin patterns are complex, but research breaks them down into four categories. First, some of us are overly preoccupied with relationships. We want intimacy with others but we are impulsive and overly emotional and needy. This is why some of us keep putting ourselves in damaging relationships. Second, some of us are fearful and afraid of getting hurt so we struggle with trust. We avoid closeness and vulnerability in relationships. This is why intimacy seems so illusive. Third, some of us are dismissive and detached in relationships. We act like we don’t need people. We act defensive, self-sufficient, and work to hide our feelings. This is why we are quick to point out the wrong in others. And fourth, some of us are able to create deep and meaningful relationships with appropriate boundaries because we have come to the realization through the grace of God that we are deeply loved in spite of our brokenness, and God is not only capable, but more than able to give us the love our soul needs through His Son Jesus Christ. This is why some of us are able to give ourselves away to others in a non-defensive way. 

If your soul has yet to experience this kind of response from the Lord, I invite you to accept His invitation today. The path to healing and grace is found when we accept the invitation to come and abide in Him (John 17). This path of course will require you to find a gospel-grace centered church. And of course it will require you to surrender and turn away from your old patterns of relating to others and Him. This is easier said than done. The irony of having unfinished business in our lives is that we get use to it. We get comfortable with it. We learn how to manage it, though painful and hurtful. In fact, during certain moments of our day, we even embrace and cherish the lies about our identity. They motivate us. We are bent on proving them false. But again the invitation of Christ still stands. Will you come? Will you renounce your sinful and addictive patterns? Will you come to Him and let Him whisper to your soul, “It is finished”? This is the path of gospel transformation. And it does not disappoint. It is quite the journey!

Unfinished Business, Part I

Unfinished Business

“I knew I had left home, but home had not left me.” This is a statement made in reference to the many men and women who are tormented by the trauma of a dysfunctional childhood. Until fifty years ago, very little attention was given to the family member that grew up within a home struggling with drugs, alcohol, and now the opioid epidemic. This article, and the next, will briefly attempt to focus on the lingering residue of this unfinished business in an adult’s life. 

How much of an impact does a parent have on the adult later in his or her life? Is it possible, despite the fact that we are physically grown, that we are stunted emotionally and spiritually? In 1963, Hugh Missildine had this to say about this matter: “The uncomforted inner child of our past continues to exist in us as adults. There is an emotional residue in our memory or subconscious that was created in response to past events. We still feel the reactions even though the events produced them are gone.” 

Does the Bible speak clearly on the issues of learned behavior, co-dependency, negative and positive reinforcement?

Duane Otto

Missildine made this observation in his book Your Inner Child Of The Past. Using many case studies to prove his point, he showed that the temperament of an adult is often the remnants from the child they once were. The temperament in other words is intertwined with the emotions and character of an individual early in life. Thus a child from an alcoholic family, for example, will be influenced by the dependent parent and will be taught a behavior called “learned helplessness.” Day-by-day as the child develops, he or she will be made dependent on someone or something beyond himself or herself. 

The word “dependent” in the context of the dysfunctional home refers to the addictive personality. This dependent behavior is most common in the home of an addict but also resides in the workaholic home, sexually abusive home, perfectionist home, and the gambling home. A list of common traits for the child experiencing these various kinds of home environments may include poor self-image, high frustration, poor concentration, depression, or hyperactivity. Each will serve to distract the development of the child’s identity. Missildine’s research supplies the evidence that supports the idea that these traits, if unchecked, will carry on into the adult life. Anger, hurt, humiliation, shame, guilt, shyness, distrust, depression, and many other intimacy traits are common signs of the lingering residue of the unfinished business. These past patterns will obstruct the growth and maturity of the adult identity. 

Is all this biblically supported? Much is said and written from the observations of the therapeutic world but little worth can be placed on it if it contradicts the Word of God. Therefore, does the Bible speak clearly on the issues of learned behavior, co-dependency, negative and positive reinforcement? And if so, what is the path forward for those dealing with the ramifications of a dysfunctional home? 

I believe it does. For instance, Proverbs 22:6 wisely instructs parents to “train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” And Jeremiah teaches: “Then I will give them one heart and one way, that they may fear Me forever, for the good of them and their children after them” (32:28). There are many more places we could turn to see that the parental impact upon children was recognized in ancient times way before any science report on human development was published. That being so, in my next Pastor’s Trellis article I’ll attempt to explain the biblical path for healing and transformation.