I knew I had left home, but home had not left me. This is a statement made in Unfinished Business Part 1 in reference to the many men and women who are tormented by the trauma of a dysfunctional childhood. Until fifty or sixty years ago, very little attention was given to the family member that grew up within a home struggling with drugs, alcohol, and now the opioid epidemic. Today, the research shows that despite being physically grown, the uncomforted inner child of our past continues to exist in us as adults. There is, in the words of Hugh Missildine, an “emotional residue in our memory or subconscious that was created in response to past events. We still feel the reactions even though the events produced them are gone.”
Perhaps you or someone you love is struggling with this kind of unfinished business. Past addictive patterns in the home, and the “learned helplessness” they create, are obstructing the kind of growth and maturity the Scriptures promise through the inner working of the Holy Spirit. This month I’d like to introduce you to the biblical path for healing and transformation. I’m not going to use a lot of theological terminology. I’ll save that for another forum. I simply want to point you in the right direction and get your feet on the path.
“At a very young age we are forming core beliefs about ourselves. We learn from our home-life which emotions, wants, desires, and longings are acceptable and which ones are off-limits.”
Rev. Duane Otto
To begin with, it’s important to understand that you are made in the image of God. This is why you have such a deep longing for intimacy. God made you to know and to be known. That’s His nature, too. So it’s important to know that when you came into this world as a child, you were born with two relational needs etched deep within your soul. And here’s the thing, they are expressed in question form. The answers are not “hardwired” in, so to speak. The conclusions are drawn from our childhood experiences. The two crucial questions are: Am I worthy of love? And are others capable of loving me?
Let me give a quick example. Let’s say you are seven years old and you come home from school and ask your mom for a new pair of sneakers. For most of us, asking for something requires vulnerability. You are giving your mother power. She can ignore you, hurt you, make light of you, refuse you, or help you. Asking is at the heart of being known and knowing. Apply this to your own childhood. When you asked for something did you feel love or neglected? Did you live in the context of scarcity or fear? Did it have to be on sale? Were you made to feel selfish or ungrateful or irresponsible or unwanted? At a very young age we are forming core beliefs about ourselves. We learn from our home-life which emotions, wants, desires, and longings are acceptable and which ones are off-limits. And these assumptions form powerful patterns that determine in adulthood how we respond to our own emotions and others, and how we ultimately relate to God.
This is why we all struggle as adults with intimacy. The sin patterns are complex, but research breaks them down into four categories. First, some of us are overly preoccupied with relationships. We want intimacy with others but we are impulsive and overly emotional and needy. This is why some of us keep putting ourselves in damaging relationships. Second, some of us are fearful and afraid of getting hurt so we struggle with trust. We avoid closeness and vulnerability in relationships. This is why intimacy seems so illusive. Third, some of us are dismissive and detached in relationships. We act like we don’t need people. We act defensive, self-sufficient, and work to hide our feelings. This is why we are quick to point out the wrong in others. And fourth, some of us are able to create deep and meaningful relationships with appropriate boundaries because we have come to the realization through the grace of God that we are deeply loved in spite of our brokenness, and God is not only capable, but more than able to give us the love our soul needs through His Son Jesus Christ. This is why some of us are able to give ourselves away to others in a non-defensive way.
If your soul has yet to experience this kind of response from the Lord, I invite you to accept His invitation today. The path to healing and grace is found when we accept the invitation to come and abide in Him (John 17). This path of course will require you to find a gospel-grace centered church. And of course it will require you to surrender and turn away from your old patterns of relating to others and Him. This is easier said than done. The irony of having unfinished business in our lives is that we get use to it. We get comfortable with it. We learn how to manage it, though painful and hurtful. In fact, during certain moments of our day, we even embrace and cherish the lies about our identity. They motivate us. We are bent on proving them false. But again the invitation of Christ still stands. Will you come? Will you renounce your sinful and addictive patterns? Will you come to Him and let Him whisper to your soul, “It is finished”? This is the path of gospel transformation. And it does not disappoint. It is quite the journey!